Twenty three months

Dearest Sidney,

It has been almost two years since I kissed your soft cheeks and held you in my arms.  I think this will be a hard month, since two years ago, I was excitedly awaiting your arrival.  Passover came earlier this year than it did in 2016.  We went back to the same family’s house that we spent Passover 2016 at, just a short time before we said goodbye to you.  Everything appeared ‘normal’, and the hosts continuously complimented your brothers.  But nothing was ‘normal’ because you were not there.

Eli has been missing you too.  He was talking about turning people ‘on’ and ‘off’.  Then he said, I wish we could turn Sidney ‘on.’  Even though you are not here, you are very much a part of our family, and you always will be.  I often take your younger brother with me when I visit your grave.  I have begun talking to him about you, and who we are visiting.  You will be a part of his life from as early as he can remember.

We are most likely buying a house, and moving about 10 minutes away from where we are now.  We debated moving to a different county, where my commute would be a little shorter, and the schools are better.  But I don’t want to be so far away from you.  There are still a few things that would make me change my mind on this house–we haven’t seen the HOA rules yet, and if they will not allow me to plant your tree, then we will not buy the house.

Next week, I go to our annual conference.  I have not been in a long time.  In 2016, I skipped it because it was near the end of my pregnancy with you.  In 2017, I was pregnant with your brother, and also in no place to go to a conference.  I am nervous to go this year–to see people I haven’t seen, and to have to negotiate how to answer the question, ‘how have you been?’

People have also been asking me if I am pregnant.  I am not, I say.  I just have a lot of remaining fat from two subsequent pregnancies, and the grief and anxiety that comes along with that.  But I don’t want to have to deal with that in abundance at this conference.  Academics are not known for their social skills.

Sidney Louis, I love you.  I love you always.  I love you forever.  My beautiful second son.

Much love,

Mama

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