Twenty one months

Dearest Sidney,

Another month gone by.  Another month without you.  Yesterday, we had Eli’s fifth birthday party.  And you were not there.  I usually try not to imagine life with you, Eli and Silas, because it is a life that could never be, but I want it more than ever.  I want to be the overly tired busy mother of three active boys.  After Eli’s party, Silas and I went to visit you at the cemetery.  I talked to you but I don’t know if you heard me.  I love you.  That will never change.

The flu is very bad this season.  All four of the pre-K teachers in Eli’s school have the flu.  And one little girl who was at his birthday party yesterday has it now, 104.5 degree fever.  I am scared.  Scared that your brothers will get sick.  Scared and wondering if somehow I got sick and didn’t realize it and that is why you are not here.  I will do my best to be vigilant.  But now that you are gone, I can’t tell myself that I am worrying over nothing.  Because now I know that I can be the rare exception, that things that ‘don’t happen’, really can.

I went back to teaching last week.  It brought back my memories from when I returned to work after my emergency family leave after you died.   It also brings back memories of my last day with you inside of me, teaching, and then heading home, in early labor, getting ready to go to the hospital to meet you.  It still stops my breath to remember those moments.  It is a trauma that will never be okay.  Going back to campus is different this time–I rush home after my teaching days to nurse your little brother, because pumping milk is hard for me.  I should have been doing that with you, too.

I am going to get a small picture frame with spots for three photos to bring to my office.  I will put a photo of you and each of your brothers.  I also added another ‘S’ to my necklace.

I love you my perfect beautiful second son.

Always and forever,