Nineteen months

Dearest Sidney,

Another month has gone by without you here.  Another month of not holding you, of not watching you grow, laugh or play with your brothers.  I went to Massachusetts for Thanksgiving.  It had been two years since I had been home.  The last time was Thanksgiving 2015, when you were growing inside of me, before I knew the depth of pain and heartache I have now become familiar with.  As we drove through Hartford around 10 pm at night (which is 1.5 hours from my parents’), I started to cry hysterically.  I had imagined going home last Thanksgiving, in 2016, with you and introducing you to everyone.  But that didn’t happen.  (We didn’t even go to Massachusetts because grandma was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on November 15th, so we went to be with her.  On Nov 30, six days after thanksgiving, she died.  So much death, so much sadness.)  Going home without you.  Seeing people who I know so well on the one hand, but who have not seen me or interacted with me since before you died.  This time, I didn’t really see friends like I usually do when I am home because I just couldn’t do it emotionally.  I spent the time with Bubby and Opa, and your aunts and uncle.  I didn’t want to have to see people ‘for the first time.’  Here in Baltimore, I rarely meet new people now.  The people I interact with all know about you, all held me (and still hold me) as I learn to live life without you.  But it’s not like that in other places.  People only know the old me, the pre-loss me.  But that person no longer exists because you have changed me.  And I can’t (and would never want to) go back to a time before you, my dear second son.

Papa and Eli just got back from spending five days with grandpa in Kentucky.  I stayed here with your little brother.  It was the longest Eli and I had ever been apart.  I don’t know if you would have stayed with us, or gone with the boys.  I don’t often imagine a scenario with all three of you, because it can never be, and it never would have been, anyway.  Lately, when I am going about my day to day routine, I will be hit with a vivid memory from my pregnancy with you, and then I feel like I have been punched in the stomach, recalling finding out your heart had stopped, delivering you, and then the horrendous pain of facing a life without you.  And I still cringe when people offer their opinions about the age gap between Eli and Silas, and think about the age gap between you and Eli, wondering what your relationship would have been, thinking about whether you would have been able to play together more, and how you would have been in high school at the same time, you in ninth grade, and Eli in 12th.  But that will never be.  Oh, how I miss you.

The world feels like it is falling apart.  It has since 2016 for many reasons.  We will most likely all go to grandpa’s towards the end of the month.  You will be missed.  You are always missed, my beautiful boy.

Lately I have been more anxious.  Anxiety can weaken immune systems.  If that hurt you, my baby, I am so sorry.  I will always be so so sorry that I wasn’t able to get you the help you needed.  I love you so so so much.

Always and forever,

Mama

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