Fifteen months

Dear Sidney,

Today, you would be 15 months old.  I love you and I miss you.  In some ways, I think I miss you even more since I had your little brother.  Tonight, we went to a PJ Shabbat service.  I haven’t been in about a year.  I only went once after you died–it was so hard, to see all the little babies crawling around.  I stared blankly and tried to avoid making eye contact with people.  When someone said ‘how have you been?’ I could barely answer.  So I stopped going.  But your older brother wanted to go tonight, so we went.  We didn’t really recognize anyone–I think because it’s summer and a lot of people are away.  No one there knew about you.  So they asked how old your little brother was, and congratulated me.  One woman said, “that’s a great gap.  To have a four year old and a new baby.”  I didn’t have the energy to correct her in front of Eli and all the other little children.  To say, “this is the gap between Eli and Silas, but we have another brother in between.”  She should know better than to make a comment like that to a stranger.

I had stopped working on the tree mosaic that I started after you died.  Then the woman whose house I was working at moved away.  She was back in town to back up some final things and called me to come over and get my mosaic.  I am happy to have it in our home, and plan on finishing it soon.  When she saw me with your little brother, she said, “I am so glad to see you’ve moved on.”  Sidney, I want you to know I most certainly have not moved on.  I am so happy to have your little brother, but that does not take away my longing for you.  That does not change how much I love you, how much my heart aches for you, and how much I mourn not ever getting to know more about you.  As I said, in some ways, my longing  for you has increased.  As I compare Silas to Eli when he was a baby, I think that I never really got to do that with you.  Would you have been a good nurser?  A good sleeper?  Who would you have ended up looking like?  What color were your eyes, and what color would they become?  We talk about Silas this way, and I want to be able to talk about you too.  I really really want to be able to kiss your cheeks, and feel your warm body curled up in my arms, listen to your little baby sounds, and the expressions you make in your sleep, watch as you begin to explore the world around you.  I am so sorry that we don’t get to experience that together.  I am so so sorry.

I read an article recently that said that your cells stay inside of me after I give birth–I had read that before–but it also mentioned that your cells could end up in my future children.  So your cells live on in Silas.  You are a part of him, as much as you are a part of me, and our whole family.

You and Silas look a lot alike.  More like each other than like Eli.  You have the same lips and chin.  boys

I love you my dear second son. With all my heart.




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