I am feeling sad tonight, more sad than I have felt in a while. I am not sure what is triggering it. I am tired, which tends to make everything worse. My husband goes back to work Monday, and I worry that I will feel isolated. I don’t have a strong community here yet but I don’t think I am in a place to go to mommy and me type activities. In Seattle, when we had Eli, I made some amazing friends from the parent-baby group that the hospital organized. I have so many positive memories, taking walks, commiserating, panicking, laughing, and sharing an incredible experience together as we navigated our first adventures of parenting. Of course, some of the moms I was closest to had little boys around the time Sidney was born…..
I think no matter what, it would have been different to go to parent-baby groups here, mostly because I am not a first time mom, I am probably older than a lot of the new moms here being in my 30s, and also, everyone in Baltimore who I meet is married to someone else from Baltimore, and lives on the same street as all of their siblings, parents, and cousins (I am only kind of exaggerating) so they wouldn’t need a parent-baby group in the same way. But now there is the added complication of not relating to ‘normal’ moms. I can picture it now. We all sit around. We introduce ourselves and our babies. Then we go around and express our concerns. Maybe I say I am afraid of SIDS, and the other moms say that SIDS is rare, to which I respond, well, that means nothing to me now that my second son died for no known reason during labor, which is also rare. Or I say, I am having trouble knowing how to mother all of my sons, two living, and one dead, and everyone just stares at me. It doesn’t quite feel right. I took Eli and Silas to the playground together today. There were some other moms at the park with their children, and we made small talk. I did okay-no triggering conversations–but I realized I haven’t talked to random moms who I don’t know about parenting/children in a very long time. They assumed a common ground, asking how old Silas was and congratulating me on getting out of the house. I don’t think they realize the disconnect that I feel.
Tonight, I sat nursing Silas, and watching a movie that I saw a long time ago, called In America, not to be mistaken with Coming to America. When I first saw the movie, I really liked it, and cried at various points in the film. This second time, scenes took on new meanings. The film centers on an Irish family with two daughters that moves to NYC after their son Frankie dies at around age 5. The father cannot ‘get over’ Frankie’s death. He says he can’t feel, he can’t cry. And one of the daughters at one point is convinced her father is not really her father, because he has changed so much, not playing with them, and just being different. It all hit home. And then the mother gets pregnant again, and it’s a risky pregnancy, and there is concern that either the new baby or the mom will die, but neither do. The film facilitated me crying, which I think was good for me, since I haven’t cried since Silas was born. I don’t know why it’s been hard to cry lately. The film is also semi-autobiographical, although the real Frankie died at age 10. Beyond that, I am not sure of the details.
I can also tell I am mildly depressed because all I want to do is eat. I am tired, and I am craving sweets, and not feeling great about my post-pregnancy body. I am in a slump. How do I get into a routine? How do I do all of this?
I miss Sidney.