It has been nearly a year since my precious little Sidney died. I am still processing my thoughts and emotions as the day approaches. But for now, I thought I would share a few of the most ridiculous things that people have said to me in the past year. I have written about some of these in previous posts. In no particular order:
- This doesn’t happen to your demographic.
- It was really hard when my dog died. I know how you feel.
- Some people would not understand why you buried your son.
- Can’t you just pretend it was a miscarriage?
- I wasn’t sure if you were going to just move on, but it seems clear that you aren’t.
- I would bet money in Vegas that this won’t happen again (said by the OB before my autopsy results were in)
- Maybe this was nature’s way.
- The university cannot allow you to grieve indefinitely (after 5 months)
- It forces me to acknowledge he was a real human (after looking at Sidney’s picture)
- I have been surprised by how long your grief lasted.
- You need to accept that you may only have one child. Some people don’t even get that.
- I hope you are feeling better (in an email sent to me two days after Sidney died. I don’t have a cold. No I am not feeling better).
- Preschool teacher, who knows about Sidney’s death: I was wondering if anything was going on at home. Me: Eli’s brother is still dead.
I am sure there are more, but those are the ones that I can think of right now. What are some of your ‘favorite’ things that people have said to you?
Surviving the Loss of Baby Sidney 
Holy shit balls. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. These are insane. Who ARE these people?! I’m so sorry, mama. Most the dumb shit remarks I get involve “God’s plan.” 🙄
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I know. People don’t think. Most of the people in my life know not to mention God, but you’d think they’d also know not to say these things. I forgot another ‘favorite.’ At least your child didn’t die because you left him locked in a hot car (said by someone who does not have any children).
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As I read through your list, I could feel my pulse quicken and my blood pressure rise. WHY do people say shit like this? It’s absurd, disrespectful and unforgivable what people say, I’m so sorry. Our only child, Evelyn, passed away 8.5 months ago and some of my favorites are: “It must be so comforting to know you have an angel watching over you now.” {Nope. It’s not. We’d MUCH rather have our daughter here with us where she belongs.} “I’m so glad you have these things from the hospital so you can remember she was here.” {This person has 2 children. If – God forbid – something were to happen to one of them, would she need their things, their material possessions, to remember they were ever here??} “You’re still young. I’ve known people who have had that {so nice to have our daughter’s death reduced down to a ‘that’} happen to them and they’ve gone on to have other children.” {1) we’re not other people. It took us 8+ years to get pregnant with Evelyn. Years of infertility treatments and tens of thousands of dollars. 2) our age has ZERO to do with this. We started trying in 2008 when we were 24. 3) Children are not replaceable. 4) the presumption that we can have another children is infuriating. 5) Don’t rush or lessen my grief. I want my daughter back but she’s gone forever, so I can’t have her back. Some other child down the road (should we be so blessed) won’t fix that. UGH. Sorry, I got carried away with my own frustration. Again, I’m so sorry people have said such shitty things to you. If I could reach through the screen and give you a hug, I would ❤
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Thanks for your comment, and I am sorry you have a similarly infuriating list of your own. Evelyn is definitely not replaceable.
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A comment that sticks in my mind is “are you over the incident yet”. I find it near impossible to process, let alone respond, to certain comments. Has anyone said a comment that helps? I have only had one. It was something like “you will never forget her. You will never get over loosing her. But one day, you will wake up, and realize, there was a moment, the day before, you did not feel like crying. And as time progresses, you will have more of those moments” (or something along those lines).
Sending you lots of love,
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Well people just suck. I’m so sorry they said those things to you, people seem incapable of pausing for a few seconds and thinking before they speak. I’ve been on the receiving end of some shitty comments too, and they only hurt me and my grief more than “help”.
Thinking of you. ❤
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1. You’ll be blessed with a baby soon (I have a post on this, that wrote with extreme anger)
2. Maybe this was for something better in future
3. This was god’s plan (Arggghhh)
4. He’s in a better place now (have you thought that my arms could be a better place?)
5. I lost my grandmom a year ago, and I grieve everyday (Uhhh…)
6. I understand (No, you don’t – unless you’ve worn my shoes)
7. It’s ok (It’s NOT)
8. Don’t worry (Are you kidding me? I will)
9. I’m glad you are ok (I’m so good at lying & you are so horrible at understanding)
10. And the worst of all – Next time you can be careful (Of course, because this time I killed my son)
Why do these people exist & my son who deserve to exist doesn’t?
Hugs to you momma ❤
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