Ten months

Dearest Sidney,

It has been ten months and one day since I said goodbye to you.  I am sorry I didn’t write to you yesterday.  It is the first month since you were born that I haven’t been thinking about dates.  But I have been thinking about you.  I always think about you.  I always miss you, and I always love you.  Ten months is a long time.  I have been a grieving mother for ten months.

Papa is going to Seattle tomorrow.  He will be gone for a week.  I am a little overwhelmed to be back at work full time, and also have all the responsibilities of Eli to myself for a week.  But I keep thinking that I should be even more overwhelmed, that I should have my beautiful little ten month old, alongside my 4 year old.  I am so sorry you are not here.  I don’t know what your first word would have been.  I don’t know if you would be standing yet.  I will never get to know these things. I miss you so much.  I still look at your picture every night.  I kiss your picture, but I want to be kissing you, breathing in your sweet baby smell.

I went to the cemetery today to visit your grave.  I sat outside with you for a long time, feeling the cool breeze and missing you.  Then I came home.  Eli and papa were at a birthday party.  It would have been so much nicer to just take a walk with you in the carrier.  There are many days I still can’t believe you are gone.  May 4th does not seem that far away anymore.  Your birth day , and the day I had to give you back.

We have been interviewing for a new position in my department.  One of the candidate’s wive’s just had a baby three days before he flew across the country for his interview.  Another colleague’s wife just had her second son.  Babies are born healthy all the time.  You were healthy too.  But your heart had stopped.  No one knows why and I will never understand or accept it.

But I will always be your momma and I will always love you.