On hold

It feels like my life is on hold.  It was moving forward in what felt like a typical fashion.  Not perfect by any means.  But more your normal ups and downs.  Then May 3rd.  Sidney died.  I delivered him.  And from that moment on, everything has been off.  I don’t know how to plan-how can I plan when I don’t know when or if I will ever be pregnant again or have a living baby.   Can I go to a conference in April?  I don’t know.  Can I take a vacation in a few months?  Can I go do research in Peru?  What will the next three years of my career look like, when right now, I am barely getting any work done?

I want to have another living child and I am so scared that it won’t happen. I know. Stress is not helpful.  I know.  It hasn’t been that long (except that it has if you think about how long I have been trying for a second living baby, rather than just trying since Sidney). I know that my life should not be on hold.  That I need to live it.  For my sake.  For Eli and my husband’s sake.  For Sidney’s sake.  I ‘know’ all this. But I don’t.

I got my period again yesterday.  A crushing blow.  A reminder that there is no baby inside of me.  A spiraling of fears about my broken body, a body that I used to trust, a body that is failing me now, failed Sidney.  I was just talking with another loss mom about this–about how doctors don’t take her seriously and tell her that a year of trying is normal.  But she says, “it is not normal for me.”  And this is where I get angry at medicine.  They need to look at what is normal for her instead of talking in abstract general terms.  And even if something is ‘normal’, why shouldn’t someone be able to get help sooner?  Many people have said to me that there is only a one in five chance of getting pregnant in any given cycle.  But where does that number come from?  I find it to be meaningless.  Is that of all women everywhere ‘trying’?  Does that mean they had sex every day around ovulation?  Once at some point in their cycle?  These numbers mean nothing.  And anyway, they are not helpful when someone is talking about her greatest fears, her trauma, her feelings of  being re-traumatized with something as simple as the arrival of a menstrual cycle.

I didn’t mean to write about this in such a public way.  But apparently I did.

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7 thoughts on “On hold

  1. The cycle of disappointment when trying to conceive has the potential to be crushing at the best of times, and it is that much more traumatizing after a loss.There is nowhere to put our faith after our bodies have failed us and our children in such a monumental way. All I can say is that my fears and anxieties are the same as yours.

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  2. Thanks for this 💖My first normal period I was thrilled for the first time in my life bc that meant my body is getting back to normal but then I cried bc i shouldn’t have my period yet and I should be thinking about cycle days. You will give your boys another sibling. I’m rooting for all of us.

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  3. I’m so sorry you’re feeling stressed out about all of this. It is overwhelming to ttc in the first place, and when you place the awful sadness of our type of loss on top- it can send you over the edge. In a way, I am so thankful I had an IF diagnosis. TTC was out of my hands in a way? I knew what I had to do (IVF) at all costs ($23,000 out of pocket) but I DIDN’T CARE. I wanted a living baby, because my perfect girl was taken from me.

    I feel like my body failed me every single day. I feel it when I pay the bill for IVF, I feel it when I think about Kenley. I feel it when I open my eyes in the morning, and before I fall asleep at night. The guilt. The anger. The sadness. The pure hatred for my body. It’s so fucked up the way you think and feel now.

    I’m rooting for you and all of us, too!! I know it’s so scary, friend. We are here for you every step of the way. Also, I love that you were so open in this post. It’s very personal. ((hugs))

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  4. I can 100% relate to this. Each month when I would get my period it was the biggest blow and I would usually spiral down. I put extra pressure on myself because of my age and was forced to wait before trying again because of my csection. I’m glad that you wrote this because this is the reality of us loss moms and how we feel. Those that haven’t suffered a loss can’t relate because their arms are not empty and their hearts are not broken. I’m sending you all the love and light I can ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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