Infection.  Sidney died of an infection.  I do not know what type of infection, or how it killed him but it did.  And they also found a small placental clot, but they seem to think that is secondary.  It took me making phone calls all day to even learn this much, and finally around 4:30 pm, the OB called me back and told me as much over the phone, suggesting I make an appointment with MFM to go over the report in more detail.  Infections.  Who even dies of infections in this country any more?  Did I eat something that made him sick?  Did I do something that made him sick?  Or was it just some virus or bacteria who happened to land on me and then hurt my precious baby?  And more importantly, how could I not have known?  Why didn’t I act in time and help him? I let my baby get sick, and now he is gone, and I have to live with that. I imagine that infections are slow, but I don’t know, and I don’t know how the clot is related.  If I ever am able to sit down and talk with someone in more detail, I will ask these questions.

I am ashamed.  Infection seems to call out that I did something wrong.  I am embarrassed to share that information.  If I say Sidney died of unknown causes, it seems more like an act of God or nature that we just can’t understand, but infection seems like something preventable. My beautiful baby. I just want you back.

I feel very alone.  The OB was not responsive. He did not call to tell me the results were in, so I finally called the office.  You have to call the main desk and then have them leave him a message.  I did that, and I missed his call back.  He said the results were in, he was out of the office but to call another OB.  So I called the main desk back and got transferred to a nurse’s answering machine.  Left another message.  Got a call back that the other OB was in labor and delivery so why did’t I just make an appointment to go over the results with MFM.  Unless it was urgent.  I said, well, kind of.  My baby is already dead, but I want to know the results.  So she said she’d call the doctor and call me back.  The doctor finally calls.  Says he only has a few minutes but that they found an infection in the umbilical cord and placenta.  What infection, I ask?  He doesn’t know.  It doesn’t say.  Just an infection.  And then there was a small placental clot.  The baby (Sidney’s) body looked fine so the infection had not been there for too long.  He had died within 24 hours of his birth.  That’s all he knows.  Then he hung up.  Then I told my husband.  My husband stormed out of the room, angry that I had not made an appointment to learn the results in person.  In person? If only I had been able to do that.  This morning, I finally got through to MFM.  They didn’t have an appointment available until Aug. 10th. Okay, I said.  To have to fight so hard just so someone can talk to me about my son’s death.  So that I can return to the same place I went when in labor (I am already scared about that). Then coincidentally a woman from the OB’s office called to tell me she had faxed my papers over to my PCP.  She was nice, so I told her what had happened.  She called MFM and got us an appointment for July 20th.  But she was kind, and she listened, and she cared, and she helped.  She said call if I need anything.   Why is it so hard for someone to do that?  She didn’t actually change anything.  She didn’t bring Sidney back.  But she was kind. She heard me.  I don’t think that is too much to ask from an OB’s office.

Eli said he wants to be a heart doctor when he grows up.  Then he will go and fix baby Sidney, so he can get to come.  I said, well, it’s probably too late to help Sidney but maybe you can help other babies, help other parents so they are not sad.  He said, yes, I want to join a doctor team that does that.  When I’m a grownup I will help the next baby you have get to come.  His timing might be a little off, but I like the sentiments.  If only someone could have helped Sidney.  If only someone can help a next baby that we try to have come, in the words of Eli.  I would like to replace despair with hope but I am not there yet.  For now, I have to learn to come to terms with ‘infection’ and what that means, and how my beautiful boy is not here.

And in the mean time, there was another birth announcement greeting me at the door of Eli’s school.  Birth announcements really hit home.  More than pregnant women, and maybe even more than babies.


7 thoughts on “Infection

  1. I’m so sorry you have to struggle to get answers. How the OB office is not more sensitive is beyond me. I hope you get clear answers and compassion from MFM.

    And also…the pregnancy announcements. Knife to the heart. Pregnant people and babies don’t bother me but the announcement of a baby being born hurts like hell. It’s a foreign concept to me and I have no idea what it’s like to hear a baby cry and leave the hospital with them safely in their car seat. It’s all just cruel and unfair. I’m so sad that any one has to go through this in 2016.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so incredibly sorry that you have had to go through this experience with your doctor. No mother should ever be blown off like that regarding how their baby passed away. And giving you such incomplete information over the phone is absolutely ridiculous. Hopefully MFM is better and I am so glad to hear they got you an appointment sooner than August. Please do not hesitate to get a second opinion if MFM doesn’t answer your questions. Different doctors and different health systems sometimes have different policies. I have had my case looked at by 2 different health systems. Write down your questions and bring them with you so you don’t forget and don’t fear being pushy or what have you. This is your life, your baby, and affects your family and future. Thinking of you!! Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. OMG I’m so sorry most the people you spoke to were so insensitive and rude. You and Sidney deserve so much better than that. And infection… Ughhh – almost leaves more questions than answers… I really hope that when you meet with the doctors you do get some more answers and they treat you with more respect. And Eli’s sentiments are so sweet about wanting to help families bring their babies home someday. Thinking of you right now, sweet mama.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know. Now everything is a trigger: seeing instant anti-bacterial soap, hearing someone sneeze, eating deli meat–all of these could cause an infection. We want to have more kids, but how will I ever get through 9 months (I think of you and Jay constantly, btw)? And will the stress make my body even more vulnerable to another infection?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so sorry you and Sidney weren’t treated with more respect when you called to get ANSWERS. I don’t think you can know anything until you meet with the MFM. If it was an infection the MFM will know how it happened. Or he will rule it out. Hopefully these next few weeks pass quickly for you. Xoxo


  5. So I think I just put 2+2 together. I know you from TCF, right? I remember your boys sweet name. Hi!

    Also, this is not your fault. This will never be your fault. I know we all have our own guilt regarding our child’s death. It’s just not fair. None of it is fair, and I hate that we are here. I hope you are able to get an appointment with an MFM. Mine was able to give us some insight into the autopsy report and helped us understand a little more.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am struggling with these results more than I thought I would. I knew infection was a possibility but I feel so ashamed, so alone, so to blame. Infection seems more behavior related than other losses. I know that blaming myself doesn’t help anyone, but I just can’t grasp that Sidney died from an infection of all things.

      Liked by 1 person

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