I won’t ever get to put Sidney to sleep, rocking him until he feels safe and drifts off. I won’t ever get to comfort him when he cries. I won’t ever get to hear his laugh, or hear him call me mama. I won’t ever get to nurse him, or watch him play with Eli. I won’t get to do any of the things that I longed to do as his mother. And nothing can ever change that. And it breaks my heart. I have been crying a lot today. I do not want to be a woman marked by baby loss. I don’t want to join this club that I did not know existed.