Not any easier-changing time

Your loss is so painful for me.  Each day, I suppose the reality of your death is sinking in, but I am still in denial.  I still can’t believe you are gone.  I looked at facebook, knowing that it would be a mistake, and saw many baby pictures, and that an old friend had a baby boy the same day as you. How can this be real?  How come you don’t get to come home with me?  My heart is broken, every few minutes are hard to get through.  I am not sure what to do with my time, what to hold onto, what to believe in.  I am consumed with a desire to be pregnant again, not because it will replace you, but because I want to at least feel like I am taking steps to continue to grow my family.  But I can’t try again right now.  I just need to sit, knowing there is nothing I can do to change this, to make it better.  There is a big recall on frozen vegetables and fruit due to listeria.  Will it turn out that that is to blame for your heart stopping?  I go over everything I ate those last few days, but cannot find the answer.  And the autopsy results won’t change anything.  they won’t bring you back. but how can you be gone?  it was a healthy pregnancy, and i had no indication that you would be taken from me.  i am known as a worrier, and i think of that short ride to the hospital, still thinking everything would be fine even though i hadn’t felt you kick in a while.  and then when the nurse had to call in a doctor, i knew not to ask if that was a bad sign, but i still couldn’t believe the words, “I am sorry, but your baby has passed.” how could this be true?  how could you not be inside of me now, or nursing on my chest? how do i go back to living?  before, all joseph and i felt like we needed was more time, more time to get work done and play with eli, to get our house ready, to get things done, to enjoy each other’s company, and now time is my enemy. i listen to the clock ticking and am not sure how to fill my time.  i think about how with time, people say this will get easier, and i want the time to pass.  i think about how my body needs time to heal before it can get pregnant again, and i feel angry.  i think about the time it might take to grow and deliver a healthy living baby, and feel angry and impatient and scared that my body will not perform the way it needs to.  i think about how the gap between eli and any potential living sibling will be much larger than i wanted it to be, and that eli will not play and engage with any subsequent baby in the same way, and my heart breaks even more.  and i think about how time is against me, as any subsequent pregnancies i will be over 35. what does your loss mean?  in and of itself, your loss is so painful, so unbearable, but do i also have to give up a dream to have three living kids, do i have to give up my job, finding joy in playing with eli?  how much did i die in the moment i lost you?  i have never been good at being in the moment, not having a plan for the day, just an empty day, an expanse of time stretching wide out in front of me, but now, without you, that empty time is even scarier, when all i wanted was time to be there for you, taking care of you, watching you and eli play together. i told eli the other night that broken hearts do heal, but they leave a scar.  and i told him that two things helped them heal, time and love. i need to believe that, to hold on to it, but right now it is hard.  it is hard to imagine this getting easier, but also deeply upsetting to me when i read other websites and books that say that it is usually 18 mo to 2 years before the period of intense grief lessens. how can i bear these intense feelings for such a long time period?  is that supposed to be helpful or encouraging to me?  what am i supposed to do for two years of this?  again, time, you feel like my enemy.  if i only i could go back in time, and go to the hospital earlier, and deliver you healthy.  how can i accept that you might not be here because of me? that two weeks ago, everything was good and hopeful and exciting. that i went to a prenatal yoga class, thinking i would meet you any day.  but i will never get to know you, to know your personality, to see the boy you would become, and to have you as an active living part of our family.  i love you, forever, son and little brother, my beautiful baby Sidney Louis.

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One thought on “Not any easier-changing time

  1. when this happens, all of the uncertainty of life slaps you in the face. it all just sucks and no one should go through this. thinking of you and your family. I’m sorry that there are so many of us that have experienced this, yet somehow not enough is done to prevent it from happening.

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